My First Angel

We have waited for seven years for me to get pregnant and fortunately I got my first BFP (big fat positive) in June 2015. I was in a euphoria that my smile would not fade. I would always feel my tummy and at times talking to my baby whose size would then be just that of a bean, but it will not matter to me. The first and second months were good and I never felt strange aside from a little bit of nausea and vomiting after a meal, which many have said are just normal signs of pregnancy especially during the first trimester. I made my first appointment with my OB when my baby was 10 weeks and 1 day which made my due date on March 1, 2016. The ultrasound was great and my baby's heart rate is at 169 bpm. I was so excited to become a mom to my child that I would always speak to him especially at night. At some days, I would feel a mild cramping usually at night and although it made me feel a little nervous my doctor told me that it is just normal for the cervix to contract from time to time and that calmed me. It was on September 4, 2016 at 11 pm, I noticed a spotting on my underwear and it made me feel nervous. I was convinced that I really need to have an appointment with my doctor the next day. September 5, 2016 morning I had a sticky phlegm-like discharge with a streak of blood and it made my heart beat faster. I went to my doctor in the morning but she only sent me to a pelvic ultrasound and prescribed some medicines for me even though I told her that I have severe abdominal pain that occurs every 5 minutes. The result of my pelvic ultrasound said that my baby has a heartbeat so still I was sent home but still feeling pain. The pain would subside for hours then would come back again and again. I can hardly know what to do. It's like I'm having my labor. At 7 pm I feel like I wanted to pee and when I tried, my baby came out and fell to the chamber pot. It was horrible as I saw my baby moving and I cannot help but wail in my grief. I lost my baby and nothing can compare to that pain of losing a child even though I have not got hold of him yet. I was rushed to the hospital because the placenta and other remains are still inside me. I was scheduled for a Dilation and Curettage. I was not allowed to eat for 10 hours and I only had a piece of cloth that covers me but I did not care. I was crying that the nurse jokingly said to the other nurse if something had done to me that made me cry. They asked me if I was in pain and I said I was not. The pain was not physical, it is deep within me. I was brought in the delivery room with other pregnant mothers where I was injected with anesthesia and the rest I do not know what happened. I awoke the next morning due to the loud voice of a crying baby which to my surprise was lying beside me together with her mother. Seeing them at my side added up to my frustration, disappointment and grief and made me think about my pregnancy that ended in miscarriage up all the more. But that was not the worst. Later on, I was transferred to the OB ward (I was brought to a public hospital because it is not only the nearest but also the cheapest hospital in our place and it has a good reputation for helping mothers deliver their children) where I was put in a single sized bed which was already occupied by four other mothers together with their newly-born children. You might ask how did we fit in there, we actually did not. I was just sitting there and can not barely move because there is a baby on my left and on my side. I can barely sleep because of babies crying aside from the inconvenience of the place. More and more I feel the frustrations especially when one by one the other women would ask me about my baby again and again which I would answer with "I had a miscarriage." They would ask how old the fetus was and why did I lost it with a discomforting look that made me feel more devastated. For a month I allowed myself to heal, physically, mentally and emotionally. Although I would think about my baby from time to time especially each month and I would count how old my baby would be if he would have been born, it gives me comfort knowing that I have an angel watching over us. I'm still hopeful of seeing and touching my rainbow baby sooner ... In God's time ...